What Arthur found out
by viflow
Summary: Arthur's eyes never left Merlin's face as he grabbed the book up from the table and with long, angry steps strode towards Merlin. His voice was distant and battlefilled- commanding as he showed the book up, as the ultimate proof. 'Gaius's condemned himself.' He slammed the book down hard on the table. 'It's no more to be said.' He snapped with harsh,imperative and cold finality
1. Chapter 1

Arthur groans deeply and leans forward to rest his head on the cool panes of the window's glass in his chamber. He looks out at the cold, dark courtyard, clenching his fists over the window's pane.

He doesn't want to think about him. He won't think about him. And this is exactly why he can't stop thinking about him.

Arthur has been thinking about Merlin almost constantly, he is a continuous presence on his mind. It's hard for him to focus on council matters and the training of the knights when all Arthur can think about is Merlin.

He couldn't stop picturing his tearful eyes the last time he'd seen him, his face: filled with hurt, anger and disappointment. He couldn't stop thinking about his choked, broken voice.

MERLIN. MERLIN. MERLIN . It's all he ever seems able to think about.

Merlin, who didn't come back with Gwaine a month ago, after rescuing Gaius. Merlin who went away because couldn't bear the sight of Arthur. Merlin who left him, because Arthur betrayed his trust and loyalty. Merlin. Oh, Damn him.

He feels the familiar mix of anger and guilt stirring inside him, overriding the nagging numbness and emptiness which has been persistently there in his heart- since that wretched day.

And he couldn't stop his mind from replaying that scene over and over again.

Arthur had been dreading that moment. He had known that Merlin would react badly to the accusation of Gaius. He knew Merlin well enough to know that he wouldn't just let it go and accept it without a fight. He expected shouting and raging. And he hoped Merlin would be able to get over his anger and hurt and he'd understand.

But he's never thought of anything like this. Nothing like this.

And he's never thought to see Merlin like that. Never like that.

* * *

 _''Gaius is The Traitor.'' Aggravaine declared with emphasis in his voice._

 _Arthur sent a quick look at Merlin. He knew how much Merlin loved Gaius. He knew Merlin must be pissed like hell and knew how much it must have hurt Merlin to listen to Agravaine's accusations._

 _Merlin's face was tight, his jaw clenched with anger._

 _Arthur prayed for Merlin to keep his big mouth shut. Because on top of everything what happened that day, he didn't want to put Merlin into the stock for insolence. But thankfully, with his fist clenched behind his back, he seemed to keep a tight lid on his anger and didn't say a word. Not while Agravaine was present in the room._

 _'' I'll send out search parties as soon as possible.'' Agravaine offered enthusiastically._

 _''No. Let him run.'' Arthur said quickly. Because, even if Gaius was really a traitor, he couldn't bear the thought of executing him._

 _''As you wish sir.'' Agravaine answered with a bow and turned to leave the room._

 _As soon as Agraivane turned his back, Arthur's eyes darted towards Merlin and he kept his searching gaze on Merlin's face._

 _But Merlin refused to look at him. He stood there stock-still, his face static as his eyes were transfixed motionless on a point before him. Like the perfect, invisible servant he schould be, the one he's never been and the one Arthur's never wanted him to be._

 _It's foreign and there is something very... very wrong._

 _Arthur felt coldness sunk to the pit of his stomach that sent chills throughout his body and an irrational edge of panic flared inside him._

 _''How can you believe this?'' Merlin asked as soon as the door closed behind Agravaine._

 _Arthur was taken aback by the thick accusation, pain and disappointment in Merlin's voice. He swallowed hard as guilt griped his heart and he felt a lump forming in his throat._

 _He had to look away, he couldn't bear the sight of Merlin's pale, hurt face, the stiffness in his shoulders. His whole body rigid: taut with tension._

 _Arthur felt sick and something twisted in his gut as regret trickled through him._

 _Because he was the cause of that, he was the one who put Merlin in this misery._

 _He averted his eyes and dropped them down towards the table; he closed them for a moment and took a deep breath. When he looked up again, he focused his eyes on Merlin's face, and he couldn't quite manage to keep out the despair from his voice when he finally answered Merlin's question._

 _''I know how you must feel. We questioned him. He's been consorting with sorceress. He more or less admitted to it.''_

 _'' And… that... makes him a traitor?'' Merlin asked with heated voice, his face hardened._

 _''Why run if he had nothing to hide?'' Arthur asked almost pleading and with a great deal of wretchedness in his expression. He desperately needed Merlin to understand the decision he had to make._

 _''He's given his life to this kingdom. He'd never betray you.'' Merlin pointed out , his face became paler with every second and it's very, very taut and hard and serious._

 _It doesn't look right on him._

 _Not on his Merlin…._

 _And he is still not looking at him…_

 _Arthur could feel Merlin slipping away from him, and he swallows down the knot that rose into his throat and tells himself that there's no reason for the dread that's started to slip into his chest. No reason at all. Merlin will understand. He is going to get over it. He is going to forgive Arthur as he always does. Because that was what they did for each other: forgave the liberties, the insults, the mockeries, the trespassing...every bloody fault in the other's character._

 _He will not lose Merlin._

 _His throat tightens, and his next words are forced through a constriction in his throat. ''Then explain his actions.''_

 _And for the first time this evening Merlin turned his head at that, and he bored his red rimmed, unblinking, steely eyes into Arthur's. ''Aha,'' he snapped, his eyes watering and the ever resident light in his eyes for Arthur has been dimed out of them. His beautiful, dark blue eyes lifeless as he searching Arthur's face for a moment before he says vehemently. ''They are lies. Gaius'd never run of in the night.''_

 _Arthur broke the eye contact and bowed his head . He squeezed his eyes shut on a hard wince as the sting of guilt returned._

 _He opened his mouth again, willing to say the words that will wipe away that look on Merlin's face. There was so much grief, pain, heartache, agony and anger in Merlin expression and is his voice that Arthur couldn't endure it… A desperate need surges through him, pushing inside of him to do anything to soothe Merlin, to chase away the pain ._

 _Arthur gripped the arms of his chair tightly. He took in and out a long, steadying breath, trying to push back all the emotions which want to break free._

 _When he looked up again his eyes were filled with concern and sympathy, and there was an unguarded tenderness in his expression. But his tone belied the emotions on his face as he managed to school his voice into a distant, contained tone when he said._

 _''Look! I know it's hard. No breakings were reported. His possessions are missing. A horse has been stolen.'' Surely Merlin will see reason?_

 _''He won't leave without saying goodbye to me!'' Merlin bursted out. His voice broke in the end, a small choking voice escaped his mouth, his lips quivered and his blue eyes shone with tears before he snapped his head away. Away from Arthur._

 _And Arthur felt as if he's been stabbed. He felt like his heart leaped into his throat and for seconds he couldn't breathe properly._

 _Merlin's crying. His lively, cheerful, happy Merlin is crying. And it's his fault. He made Merlin cry._

 _Arthur felt overwhelmed with the affection and love he feels for Merlin. He had a sudden, primal urge to cross over to him and take Merlin in his arms, he wanted to hold him and comfort him. He ached to touch and smooth away the tears on Merlin face. He wanted to kiss away the hurt on Merlin's delicate face until Merlin would smile again, and he would look at him with his beautiful, bright, private Arthurs's smile again. He wants give up his Kingdom and wants to lay the whole world at Merlins feet , if it would make Merlin smile again._

 _NO. NO. NO. Arthur's inner voice cut through the haze of his emotions because it terrifies him: the things he would do, just to see Merlin smile again. He clenched his fingers so hard it broke the skin- blood slipping in his palm- at how much he wants to – Oh, Dam it all to hell - just give in._

 _The want in his chest has been there for 9 years. He'd spent the last 9 years trying to ignore his feelings for Merlin. Actually, he's become very good at it. Because he knows if he would let his emotions for Merlin free, it would flood out from him and would destroy every reason which stood in its way._

 _It's not a path he can afford to travel. He has duties for Camelot. He needs to marry. Camelot needs an heir. Merlin is a man._

 _So, he pushes back all the emotions swirling inside him, because by now, he'd become quite an expert in this. He swallows them down in his throat, took in a few slow, deep breaths as he shifts his attention on Merlin's face again._

 _'' Agravaine has made this story up.'' Merlin cried, and he was severely overstepping his boundaries, but no longer seemed to care. His face was still turned away from Arthur; he was stubbornly looking toward the door._

 _Arthurs swallows, his voice is gentle and he sounds resigned in his reply. '' I shall ignore that last comment.''_

 _''Because he is your uncle. You vill not see him for who he really is.'' Merlin snapped back with an equal measure of hurt, agony and anger in his voice._

 _''Merlin!'' Arthur shouted, his voice harsh and sharp like a whip. Because he was fucking frustrated and tired, and he felt wretched and Merlin was skirting dangerously close to cross the line._

 _Then he saw Merlin wince and swallow hard -_ _ _as if Arthur'd struck him,_ and it was enough to temper Arthur's ire. His voice transformed rapidly from furious into something intense and serious and tender and he said softly. '' I've had my heart broken enough already today. I don't want to lose another friend.''_

 _His hands came up and he made a gesture that fell somewhere between pleading and demanding._

 _He wants, No, he needs Merlin to look at him. He aches to reach His Merlin, to get through this cool, distant, taut and rigid person who stood there unmoving, unresponsive._

 _But Merlin didn't turn his head. He refused to look at him. Like he couldn't bear the sight of him. He could have been a statue, carved from stone and hurt and grief. A beautiful, cold…tearful statue._

 _Merlin's refusal stung. Merlin always believed in him. More than he deserved. More than he believed in himself. He could count on that belief._

 _Arthur couldn't take his eyes off Merlin. He was glaring at Merlin's stiff, too pale, stubborn face. The way he just stood there, perfectly frozen. He had never reacted to him like this before. Irritation mounts inside him mixing with resentment at Merlin's unmovig, rejective posture. The longer he looked and the longer Merlin kept his head turned away from him, the stronger the need to lash out grew inside him._

 _Something snapped in him._

 _Arthur was blindsided with the many conflicting emotions twisting inside his chest, wanting to burst out. He felt a rush of anger, all his pent up emotions during the night suddenly broke loose, a shimmering rage mounting inside him._

 _How dare he ignore him?! How dare he behave in such an insolent, withering manner?!How dare he question his decisions?! How dare he condemn him?_

 _He is the bloody King of Camelot. Even if it means nothing to his fucking manservant._

 _His face hardened, his jaw tightened as his temple throbbed furiously. He narrowed his eyes and a tight, determined curl spread his lip lips as he stood up abruptly, straightening himself into the posture of a Regal dignity. A second later he was every bit the haughty, cool, unapprocable and businesslike King of Camelot again._

 _His eyes never left Merlin's face as he grabbed the book up from the table and with long, angry steps strode towards Merlin. His voice was distant and battlefilled- commanding while he showed the book up as the ultimate proof. ''Gaius's condemned himself.'' He slammed the book down hard on the table. ''It's no more to be said.'' He snapped with harsh, imperative and cold finality and stormed out of the room._

And it was the last time he saw Merlin.

Because Arthur betrayed him again, dismissed him again, stepped over him again.

And Arthur Misses him. He feels like half of his body have been torn out, and he doesn't know just how much longer he can go on without his other half...


	2. How Arthu found out?

Arthur didn't witness a single sunrise without his first thought being not about Merlin. It wasn't actually true, because his dreams were also full of Merlin, but he couldn't control his dream, could he now.

Not that he was much more successful when he was awake. Memories of Merlin just kept coursing through his mind, sometimes at the most inconvenient times.

Actually everything reminded him of MERLIN. He is haunted by Merlin absence, by the ghost of him everywhere.

* * *

Just him and Merlin in the warmth and darkness of the privacy of his chamber, their heads bent together over the table: discussing strategies. Merlin sharpening his sword or polishing his armor in comfortable silence. Other times he would babble on and on about gossips. Sometimes he would complain about something while Arthur was sitting in his chair, feeling relaxed and content just by staring at his scrunched up nose and cherub face.

There wasn't a place he would rather be than in their private bubble in his room, just he and Merlin inside.

Arthur and his Merlin. Not a King and his manservant. Merlin pouting, Merlin huffing and puffing or scolding Arthur about his recklessness. Arthur's laugh and Merlin's happy, sunshine smile.

The two of them sitting next to each other by a crackling fire in the woods on their countless adventures together. The two of them fighting beasts and bandits, magical creatures and breaking curses.

Merlin's presence during council sessions behind him having a soothing effect on Arthur. Just the knowledge that Merlin was there, made the most boring and tedious meetings and tasks bearable and hurry along.

Merlin sitting and waiting for him, patient and attentive, at the edge of the training field. His gaze on Arthur through the day, filled with so much pride and affection that Arthur couldn't help but bathed in it with delight.

Merlin trusted him, believed in him, had faith in him.

Merlin could always cheer Arthur up if he felt sad, miserable or wretched. Merlin always had the right words to pull Arthur back from his self-doubt and despair. He would look at Arthur with an expression of devotion and intent in his clear blue eyes, and Arthur would feel like all the weight had been lifted off his shoulders at once, and he could face anything, win every battle with Merlin at his side. Merlin would smile then, a genuine, warm Merlin smile and it would spread over Arthur, soothing the doubts and bad moods, and Arthur would have done anything to keep Merlin look at him like that.

He only had to smile, and he wrapped Arthur around his long finger and Arthur would risk everything for his foolish, adorable servant.

Only Merlin could make him like that. Only Merlin could made the difference, he made everything- made Arthur different. He stormed into Arthur's life and turned everything upside down. He's been always by Arthur's side in the last 9 years and Arthur couldn't even contemplate a world anymore without him.

And it would scare him, the power Merlin had over him and he would break the moment by throwing some barbs at Merlin and Merlin would just as easily and cheekily retort with some witty insult.

He had missed him more than he'd ever imagine. When had he become so important to him? So vital? Like the air he breathed and the food he ate. Merlin was a nourishment to his soul and heart and without his presence, these two fragile things are famishing and with each passing day dying slowly in agonise.

Arthur could feel the now familiar fury of his anger, intense and deep, rippling through him in a hot, painful wave. It stole his breath and without realising, he clenched his fists at his side.

Determination rose hot and heavy inside him.

Merlin left him. It was his choice and he left him.

He was a fucking King and not some whining girl. He can't let anyone- not even Merlin-interfere with his plans, responsibilities and duties to Camelot. And it made him just think about his uncle andbrought him back again to that night.

* * *

 _When Gwaine stormed up on the stars, with two guards bringing Gaius's body, Arthur was alert._

 _''What happened?'' Arthur asked._

 _''We found him. He'd been kidnapped.'' Gwaine answered with a flicker of a satisfaction and condemn in his voice. Then his expression quickly transferred into concern when his eyes flicked to Gaius's anguished body. ''He is in a bad way.''_

 _Arthur felt sick, a stabbing ache in his chest as regret and guilt flashed through him._

 _Gaius was innocent._

 _And Arthur didn't believe in him, he didn't believe Merlin. A flash of image of Merlin runs through his mind. Merlin with tears shimmering in his eyes as he was standing there pale, frozen and rigid from his disappointment in Arthur. Because Arthur disregarded him again, betrayed him again._

 _Arthur felt his stomach drop. He draws his hand before his face. He hoped Merlin could forgive him. He prayed that the damage he caused this time in Merlin's soul, had not been too severe to repair._

 _With a sinking feeling in his heart, he hurries after Gwaine to check on Gaius._

 _Arthur was standing there, his fists clenched behind his back, staring at Gaius's unconscious face with concern while Guinevere gently moped his brow. 'It's my fault. I've put him into this state.' His inner voice keeps accusing him._

 _It seems I misjudged Gaius," Agravaine's voice, sounding heavy with regret, gets through the penetration of Arthur's guilt. "Merlin was right all along."  
_

 _A hot ball of emotion burned in Arthur's chest, tightening his insides and his throat by hearing Merlin's name."We were lucky he found him," Arthur says through tight lips._

 _"Indeed," Agravaine agrees quickly,. "If it hadn't been for the tenacity of your boy, Gaius would be dead. We both owe Gaius and… Merlin an apology, my lord." He says pointed._

 _Agravaine's words twisted something in Arthur's gut when he mentioned Merlin again. A bitter reminder of his failure and betrayal of Merlin's thrust in him. His clenched fingers bit into his palms as his muscles flexed and his fists clenched even tighter. His face hardened, his jaw twitched as he was biting the insides of his mouth. He had to swallow hard as his heart lurched._

 _An ugly trail of suspicion crawls inside his chest and his heart sinks into his boot. Gaius is innocent. And of the people who had known about the treaty and the secret route they'd planned, only one possible traitor is left._

 _Everything, every word, every choice, every whispered implication of his Uncle suddenly becomes crystal clear. How could he be so blind?! He can't bear the sight of him! He can't look at him! Not now! He'll deal with him later._

 _' Merlin had been right. And I didn't listen. I dismissed him cold handed, without a doubt. He had been correct and right so many times before, he earned the right to be listened to. But I didn't. I stepped on him and stumped him into the ground again. How must he feel ?! JUST A SERVANT. Whose word counts nothing. Who is nobody and nothing.'_

 _I BETRAYED HIM IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY AND DESTROYED HIS FAITH IN ME._

 _God! What have I done? Merlin! I must see Merlin! Maybe he could find it in himself to forgive. Maybe it's not too late._

 _He sent one last glance towards Gaius, then without a further word to his uncle, he spun on his heels and stormed out of the room._

 _"Merlin!" he shouted, his voice echoing through the hall. Now, just thinking about it, Arthur was a bit surprised that Merlin wasn't hovering by Gaius side. What could have kept him behind?_

 _''Where is Merlin?'' He asked Gwaine when he caught him in the hall._

 _Gwaine face was tight with anger, his eyes steely as he was staring daggers at Arthur.'' Oh, you should have thought about it before you dismissed him without a word, like a garb of rubbish.''_

 _His word stung like a cold snap across Arthur's face. He was outraged that Gwaine had spoken to him in such a manner, yet he felt the barb of every accusation in his chest... because Gwaine was right._

 _'' You broke his heart and soul with your last show of loyalty to him.'' Gwaine spat with sarcasm, his fists clenched._

 _'How dare he talk to him like that.' Arthur thought outraged._

 _But then Gwaine has always been deviant, and just like Merlin: harboured a great disregard toward status and nobility. Arthur has always been jealous of Gwaine. About his easy comrade and strong friendship with Merlin. He wasn't stupid. He knew Gwaine was there, he become his knight because of Merlin. He knew Gwaine was in love with Merlin. He saw the way he looked at him. He remembered the stab of jealousy when he watched Merlin riding away with Gwaine from his window. It shouldn't have been Gwaine Merlin turned to when he needed help. It should have been Arthur. That's how it always used to be between them, and it shouldn't have changed because Gwaine joined them._

 _Arthur hated the idea of sharing Merlin's devotion. He knew it was ridiculous because Merlin wasn't his, he wasn't his property, and he was just about to marry Gwen.. He has no right. But still, a part of Arthur demanded that yes, Merlin was his: his manservant, his advisor, his confident, his best friend, his... Everything._

 _Gwain's hard eyes narrowed as he bore them into Arthur's and there was venom in his voice when he threw his barbs at him._

 _''He loved you. God knows why, you never did anything to deserve it. He gave you all of himself, he gave you his heart and you treated it as if it were nothing. All you did was take, as if it was your bloody, high and mighty right.''_

 _Arthur flinched at that and swallowed hard, everything tangling into a lump in this throat so he couldn't even think what his response should be. Then he seems to recall who and where he is and his face hardens._

 _''Go away," Arthur snapped, hard like a whiplash. "Get out of my sight this instant.''_

 _Gwaine met Arthur's anger head on. The two men stared down and squared off against each other like coming to blows._

 _Arthur tensed, his muscles bunching with readiness, his mouth thinned, his face darkened with anger._

 _Gwaine straightened his spine and kept his hard eyed gaze on Arthur as a fresh burst of rage spread on his face. '' Oh give it a rest, Princess, are you upset that Merlin left? The Royal Pratnes's fool manservant? That's all he ever was to you. Someone to admire you and tell you how fucking brave and mighty you are.''_

 _ _Arthur tensed, his muscles bunching with readiness, his mouth thinned, his face darkened with anger._ _

_He attacked with vengeance, anger and jealousy lending a brutal edge to his blow. To his surprise, Gwaine held him off, blocking his crashing swing with his underarm._

 _Then his mind seemed to scramble the pieces together of Gwaine words…. The past tense Gwaine spoke about Merlin….. Left?_

 _Dread washed over him. His heart, his breath, everything inside him stopped working. Except his mind, which was working too quickly, trying to process the dreaded words._

 _His arm fell to his side, his voice strangled and choked when he managed to ask. '' What do you mean... left ... What are you speaking about it?''_

 _Some of the fire went out of Gwaine's eyes and Arthur detected a bit of surprise in the other man eyes as he looked at Arthur. '' He left Arthur. He is not coming back. You broke his heart.''_

 _Arthur struggled for breath, he could no longer breathe. His chest burned. The air was nothing and he was choking. He felt dizzy from the lack of air. His head snagged, his shoulder bunched, and his legs shook. His knees buckled, he felt like falling. One of his trembling hands reached out to hold against the wall, preventing his body from crumpling to the ground. His other hand grabbed and pressed down hard on his abdomen against the pain, as his body bent itself in half under the weight of his anguish._ _ _His pulse raced faster, his blood ponding in his ear like a rataplan._ Fear and pani_ _c rose inside him._

 _''He couldn't...he couldn't... have left me. It's... Merlin. He would...he would not...he would never leave me.'' Arthur stuttered, his lips not able to form coherent words, his mind protesting against the cruel truth._

 _Gwaine looks at him as if he's gone a bit mad, and Arthur feels the possibility is not out of the question right now. But there was something akin to sympathy in his voice when he looked down briefly at Arthur._

 _'' Why is it, that the only time you show your emotions are either when he is in danger or isn't around to see it? '' He raised one eyebrow. ''You deserve to suffer though. He believed in you. And you almost destroyed him.'' He paused for a second, a small, indulgent smile played at the edge of his lips. ''If he was mine, and he had that much faith in me, I would cherish it and would do anything to hold onto it.''_

 _Gwaine's words felt like blade, slicing him in two._

 _Arthur looked into Gwaine's too knowing gaze as he straightened himself up and saw a flicker of sadness there. His legs still shook, he kept his hand on the wall for leverage all the way, as he stumbled into his room. Once inside, he let his body slide along the door and pressed his hand against the numbness and hollow in his chest._


	3. Chapter 3

''It had now reached the point where something must be done about it'' ... Gawine was complaining in the armory, collapsing his exhausted body in a boneless heap, rolling his aching shoulders with loud moans, '' _Ouch_.. before he's gonna kill us all.''

''Yes.'' Leon agreed with a long, suffering sight, wipping the sweet away from his forehead, ''He's not been himself in the last three months.'' he says gruffly.

'' He's been a fucking, unberable bastard,'' Gwaine said with an irritated huff and when Leon sent him a disapproving look, he smiled and shrugged his shoulder. ''A real pain in the ass. And that's me, putting it lightly.'' he finished with a grin, raising his eyebrows challengingly.

''He is still our King, you know.'' furrowing his bow, Leon gave Gwaine a long stare. ''You can't speak about him like that.'' He said sternly but his mouth was twitching like biting back a smile.

''I can speak about him just like that if he keeps behaving like a dick headed asshole.'' Gwaine retorted with a loud snort.

''He is like a dark thundercloud'', Elyan added solemnly, glancing at Leon, meeting the other man's worried gaze, '' if he goes on like this he'll destroy us and himself as well.''

Percival looked from face to face. ''We should speak to him.'' He declared with a weary sight.

'' Right.'' Gwaine said, flashing Percival a bright, reassuring smile. Crossing his arms with a loud groan behind his neck, he stretched lazily with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes '' Good luck with that. I, for one, am have no desire to let my pretty head dashed on the floor.'' He said quirking an eyebrow.

Percival rolled his eyes, ''Sure, for some reason he seems to be quite ardent to decorate your pretty face with his knuckles.'' He said with a shake of his head and gave a swat at Gwaine's head that the other knight ducked easily. He choked out a laugh. '' I really can't understand _why_.''

Blinking his eyes innocently, ''Now why, of course, it's because the Princess is jealous of my irresistible beauty and charm.'' Gwaine said, tossing his hair out of his eyes, turning to wink at Percival.

Leon looked around the others. '' I agree. It can't go on like this. We should really talk to him.'' he said with determination in his voice. ''The way he's been behaving lately, I fear we won't have any able-bodied knight left in the case of an attack.''

''And what you gonna tell him?'' Gwaine asked, lifting one eyebrow, mouth is curled up at the corner in a small smirk. '' No matter what you say to him, it won't bring back the person he is pinning for.''

There was a startled silence for a long moment before Percival burst out laughing, "What the hell, Gwaine?, he chuckled. ''Why would Arthur pin, when Gwen is here at his side?'' rolling his eyes, he shared a disbelieving look with Elyan.

''I'm telling you. He is pinning.'' Gwaine insisted and he makes a noise in his throat somewhere between a grunt and an audible sigh, and there is that knowing twinkle in his eyes that always seems to say: I know something you don't, so just shut up.

''What are you speaking about?'' Elyan demanded suddenly. '' Did something happened between Gwen and Arthur? Did they have a break up?'' He asked with a frown. ''Did they break up the engagement?'' His eyes widened in horror and confusion, he inspected the faces of Leon and Percival before he bore his gaze into Gwaine's. '' Did Gwen commit something to make Arthur break up with her?''

''Sorry Elyan'', Gwaine said, suddenly clearly uncomfortable. Waving his arms apologetically, he shot his eyes briefly to Elyan, his gaze holding sympathy for the blow he was about to impart. '' It's not Gwen… Arthur is pinning for.''

And he watched each of them closely with a slight amusement as realisation dawned on them.

'' What?'' Elyan asked, dropping his jaw, he blinked in surprise.

''Oh.'' Percival gasped, choking on the water he was about to drink.

''Ehm...'' Leon cleared his throat and looked down at his feet, all of a sudden very interested in the patterns of the ground, though he didn't quite managed to hide the ghost of his smile. "Uhm," he added finally very intelligently.

The three of them shuffled around in awkward silence before Gwaine cut in.

''Oh, don't tell me you didn't know!'' Gwaine exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air in exasperation. '' Bloody Hell! If he hung a sign around his head, saying: 'I'm head over heels in love with my manservant', he wouldn't be more obvious than with all his deeds and longing looks towards Merlin.''

Letting out a loud snort, his eyes moving from Leon to Percival than to Elyan and back again, Gwaine asked dramatically, '' My God! Am I really the only one among us with a proper sized brain and sharp eyes?''

Percival jabbed Gwaine in the side with an elbow, eliciting a displeased ''Oi'' from the smugly smiling knight. Then he shrugged his shoulder and said.'' I've had my suspicions at the beginning..'' He sent an amused glance at the others as he continued, '' I mean, the way he looks at Merlin when he thinks nobody can see him….'' He shook his head, smiling.'' It's like… he is being lit up from the inside, his face becomes all soft and adoring like Merlin is a key to his heart. And there is always this strangely bright, faraway look in his eyes and a bit of a dreamy smile playing around the edge of his mouth. '' He paused for a second than continued slowly, '' But then, he seemed so besotted with Gwen and asked for her hand, so….'' He shrugged again as his eyes flew to Elyan.

Elyan looked slowly at all of them, and his face was an odd mixture of understanding and hazed disbelief. '' Well, Yes..'' He rolled his eyes '' Alright..'' His mouth quirked up, and for the first time this evening it turned into a genuine, mischievous smile. '' You should have been blind not to see the way these two are gravitating to and around each other. With Merlin never staying far from Arthur's side , and Arthur- for all their bittering and insults and his complain about Merlin's clumsiness always taking him everywhere, always wanting him close, like he couldn't bear being away from him. Every time we've been in some kind of danger, it was always Merlin Arthur's eyes looked for first, and he always loomed around him like a lion protecting his cub. '' He gave a small chuckle. '' There was something about these two I've sensed from the first time. No matter the reason, but when these two smiled or glared at the other either in happiness or anger, it was always like everything stopped existing, and to them there was no one else in the world but each other. ''

''Tell me about it.'' Gwaine growled in pain. Then he flashed a knowing smile at the others.

The other knights burst out laughing, breaking the tension in the air.

Gwaine grinned, Leon shook his head but his eyes were glimmering with affection.

'' Do you remember a couple of months ago when we thought we had lost Merlin to those bandits?'' Gwaine asked with a frown. ''Our rigid, level-headed King was out of his mind with worry and fear, and he didn't rest until we found him. '' with a meaningful glance at the others, he continued with a big smile on his face. '' Oh, You should have seen Arthur when Merlin stumbled out from behind a bush, dirty and covered in mud from head to foot. For all his prattish behaviour with Merlin, Arthur's face shone with ethereal happiness, he was so over brimmed with joy and relief, he just laughed and laughed in delight at the sight of him. A second later he was running towards Merlin like a fool and with no care of his garment, he hugged his muddy servant like he was the most precious thing in his life.''

''What… in the light of recent events: I'm strongly inclined to believe He really is-for him.'' Gwaine added, shaking his head with an amazed smile.

"So, now, I understand Arthur's behaviour when Merlin was hit by the Dorocha," Leon said with a grave voice, the smile dropped off his face and his expression turned serious. ''I've known him since he was a boy but never saw him so devastated and stricken with grief before. He's always been so stoic, always kept his emotions and himself in tight control. I have never before witnessed him dropping the tight mask of control that held his emotions in check.''

Gwaine shivered, his shoulders dropped, and his words were a shaky whisper when he put in,'' It had been one of the worst moments in my life.''

''We were all deeply shaken.'' Percival chinned in quietly. ''But none of us were hit so badly as Arthur. He was half crazy with sorrow and grief. He never left Merlin's side for more than a few seconds, his eyes fixed on Merlin's face like he couldn't let him out of his sight in fear- he was gonna die if he looked away.

A wry smile crossed Leon's face and a slight frown appeared between his brows when he said pointedly. '' Our duty bound King, with his deep sense of righteousness and his willingness to sacrifice himself for the good of Camelot and her people: would have left everything behind and without a second thought, he'd have abandoned the quest and sacrificed thousands of lives, just to save Merlin.'' He stops and when he speaks next, his voice is thoughtful, quiet. '' The fear, panic and deep concern Arthur was showing for Merlin's well-being were unlike any I'd have ever imagine Arthur prone to.''

His gaze became distant before he added. ''If it wasn't for Lancelot I'm not sure we'd have been able to pursue him to stay.

''Well… believe me ,'' Gwaine started, his dark eyes sparked with mischief, '' it wasn't the first and only time the Princess exposed himself in such a manner, and lost the facade of his almighty haughtiness and kingly dignity over his fear and anguish for his clumsy, blue eyed manservant.''

Then the mischief was gone from his eyes, replaced by an uncharacteristic seriousness. '' But it's not my story to tell.'' He said in response to the quoestioning glances of the others.''

''Yeah, Merlin seems to be the only one who could handle Arthur.'' Elyan said with a long sight. '' I'm sure if he was here, he would raise his brows at the frenzy Arthur is fighting with, and he would tease and scold him endlessly for his recklessness. ''

Gwaine made a face at that. '' Arthur'd roll his eyes and tell him to shut up, he'd pretend to be angry by his insolent or would smack him on the head. And Merlin'd either be grinning cheerfully and talking back to Arthur or he'd be raising his eyebrow ironically at him. But the result would be the same: While complaining and huffing about Merlin's uselessness and cheekiness, Arthur'd grin at Merlin with the soft look in his eyes he reserves only for him, and he'd do exactly as he was bid.''

Gwaine's expression warmed considerably as he carried on with a wishful sight, '' Merlin would spare us these countless hours of excessive trainings, all our bruises and muscles aches, as well as the self-esteem of the other knights.

Grinning brightly Leon chinned in. '' Don't forget the golds he'd spare for the Kingdom for all the practicing dummies and shields Arthur has destroyed in his rage in the last months.

'' As the weeks wear on …Arthur's temper and fool mood seems to be growing blacker and blacker.''Elyan said with a frown. '' He behaves if all joy and happiness had been leached out of his life. His spirit is broken and every bit of good humour had deserted him.''

''That's right.'' Percival agreed. '' I haven't seen him smile since…'' he started, then cut off the sentence and blinked in bafflement when realisation dawned on him … ''since Merlin went away.''

'' Of course not,'' Gwaine chopped in. '' because Arthur's definition of happiness and joy is Merlin.'' He declared it as a matter of course.

''We should speak to Arthur and ask for his permission to leave and bring Merlin back.'' Leon said with something akin to hope in his voice.

''Yes, we should do that. '' Percival joined in with enthusiasm in his voice.

''It seems to be the only solution for stopping Arthur in his self-destroying madness.'' Elyan nodded in agreement.

''I'm not sure if it's a good idea.'' Gwain supplied casually. ''You know that Arthur is stubborn like a bull and he is pride to a fault. He would never admit that he misses him, and I'm absolutely sure he is not going to allow us to go after him.'' Leaning back carelessly against the wall, stretching his long legs, he crossed his arms before his chest and added nonchalantly. '' I don't want my head bit down by a livid, love stricken bear. ''

He shrugged and smiled sheepishly as he opened his arms.'' But please, you are free to try. ''Raising an eyebrow at Leon he continued slowly. ''Although, you should consider, that Merlin can be stubborn like hell as well. And even IF Arthur agreed- which I doubt greatly- to go after him, it won't mean that we would be successful in pursuing him to return to Camelot. Considering the state he was in- due to his quarrel with Arthur about Gaius the last time I saw him- Merlin may not wish to return," he finished quietly.

Narrowing his eyes, Leon stared at Gwaine suspiciously for a long moment before he flew his questioning gaze to Elyan and Percival- which they answered with clueless shrugs and raised eyebrows.

"I knew it!'' Leon yelled a second later, pointing an accusing finger at Gwaine. '' I knew something happened between them while we were away. Merlin'd never have left Arthur's side if not for a very severe reason.'' He kept his accusing gaze on Gwaine as he added. '' If you weren't such a secretive, tight lipped son of a bitch everytime we asked about Merlin or the reason for his sudden leave, we might have figured things out a little sooner, and could have found a way to fix it. ''

"Well yes," Gwaine admitted, flashing Leon a bright smile. ''But it's not my story to share either.''

''But you do know where Merlin is, don't you?'' Elyan asked with a furrowed brow.

''Of course I do.'' Gwaine huffed with a fake indignation in his voice, a smug smile ghosting his lips, ''I know everything about him.'' He flipped his hair back, grinned rakishly and sent a wink towards Elyan. '' I'm his favourite.'' He said with all the charm he possessed.

Letting out a loud snort, a little bemused but obligingly charmed, Elyan smiled back.

Percival rolled his eyes and with a broad grin on his face, gave Gwaine a friendly snap.

Leon shook his head, grinning. "Speaking of which," he said slowly, quirking an eyebrow at Gwaine. ''How is it you didn't go with him? We all know how much you care about Merlin and even if you never speak about, we know exactly to whom your loyalty first belongs to.''

'' Of course, once we brought Gaius back to safety I wanted to go after him. " he said matter-of-factly, throwng a disbelieving glare in Leon's direction. His voice become a bit exasperated, but his expression filled with fondness when he continued, ''But the little, cunning bastard made me promise to stay behind and look after Arthur.''

He shrugged and carried on, beaming broadly.'' And you know when Merlin looks at me with his big puppy eyes and smiles at me with his genuine, glowing Merlin smile- I'm lost. Before I knew what I was saying, I agreed to stay behind.'' He let out an overdramatic sigh. ''Oh, bloody hell, he could make me climb mountains, fight dragons and agree to every stupid promises he makes of me if he smiles at me like that.

''I believe you are not the only one who has no defence against Merlin's easy smile.'' Leon said mouth tipping upwards in a half smile.

Percival scratched at his cheek and the quirk of his mouth was filled with fondness as he nodded his head.

''Yes, I know what you are speaking of.'' Elyan said and his face lit up in a genuine smile. ''He could make you want to do the most foolish thing with that smile.''

Leon bit his lips and looked down at his feet, then he turned to the others, mouth tipping upwards in a half smile, his eyes dancing with mirth. ''Arthur had no power against Merlin's sweet smile either. Without even trying, he wrapped Arthur around his little finger. I've witnessed it on many occasions: Merlin only had to smile and without realizing that he did it, Arthur went out of his way to do what he thought Merlin expected of him. But of course, he would be the last to admit that it had anything to do with him wanting to please Merlin.'' Leon carried on with an amused snort.

''He could do that, couldn't he? '' Gwaine said cheerfully, his expression filled with pride and affection.

They grinned at each other foolishly like giggly, scheming schoolboys.

Suddenly serious, Leon switched into the mode of Arthur's first knight. He was all action and determination when he strode to the door and declared.

'' I'm going to speak to Arthur. Whatever made Merlin leave, I'm sure we could convince him to come back. His place is and would always be at Arthur's side. Merlin belongs here, with Arthur."


	4. Chapter 4

A lot of you asked me here and on other forum for Arthur's response. And I presume writting Merlin's POV would take me a time, I wanted to get you of the hook.  
Here you go. Hope you'll enjoy it.

* * *

''What can I do for you?'' Arthur asked, his voice cool and even, strictly formal. Eyes clear and hard when they landed on the knights standing at the other end of the table. All traces of the warm, easy comradeship he used to interact with his friends are now gone. He was a graven image of a strong and commanding king. Cold, imposing and remote.

''Sir, we would like to ask for your permission to go and look for Merlin.'' Leon asked.

Arthur stiffened at the mention of Merlin's name, his face flushed with anger, his jaw hardened.

''And why would you do that?'' He asked in turn, a hint of sarcasm slipping into his otherwise tight, dangerously contained voice.

''Merlin is our friend and,'' after glancing around at the others, Leon carried on, '' we all miss him.'' He said, bristling in surprise at Arthur's tone and the look on his face.

For an instant a myriad of emotions run through Arthur's face and there was a flick of hurt in his eyes. But it was there and gone in a second. His stare is icy and penetrating as he quirks one eyebrow questionably.

''Hmmm. Indeed. '' He hums and tilts his head, '' I see.'' and it sounds cold and mocking.

He smiles, but there is no mirth in it. '' And what makes you think, he wants to come back?'' He opened his arms and furrowed his brows in feigned incomprehension. ''It's not like he was banished, it's not like anybody would stop him, '' His voice getting louder and harder with every word, '' it's not like anybody or anything prevents him for coming back.''

He widens his eyes and he is the picture of pure confusion when he looks around the chamber. '' Is he here? ''

His eyes scanned the room again and something like hurt and longing flashed through his face but just like before , it was gone in the blink of an eye.

''No, he is not.'' He snapped harsh and unforgiving. He turned and locked his steely eyes on Leon's face. "Which leads me to believe that…-'' he stopped, like it hurt him to say the words, and something between agony and anger twisted his face before he could school it back into the hard mask he wore before,'' -he is not here because he doesn't want to.''

''Sire, I'm sure we could convince him to -'' …Leon begins.

'' And why would we need that?'' Arthur cuts him off, his voice low, taunting. Though a note of bitterness slips into his voice when he continues. '' Merlin made his choice. He chose to leave. We should a respect his choice.''

''But, my Lord-'' Leon starts again.

"Silence!" Arthur roars a whiplash of an order, cutting Leon short.

He jumps up abruptly from his chair, bangs his fist hard on the table. The fierceness of his slam sending the reports, he was reading before, flying into every direction. His voice is booming across the audience chamber, echoing off the walls.

'' That's enough! '' He barks again.

Leon is rendered speechless by the intensity of Arthur's outburst. His eyes widen in surprise but he knows better than to press when Arthur gets in a mood. He closes his mouth and swallows down the words of protest which desperately want to break through his lips.

Elyan and Percival looked confused and a bit shocked at the outbreak. Elyan was chewing his lip and shifting his weight from one foot to the other, but nonetheless, both of them remained quiet.

But obviously Gwaine has not a flick of self-preservation because he clenched his jaw, his eyes flashed with anger, his eyebrow ran high on his forehead and he opened his mouth to blunt a vicious retort… but before he could make any sound, Percival shook his head and grabbing his shoulder he pushed Gwaine behind his back.

The movement didn't escape Arthur's attention.

His face hardened into stone, his lips fixed into a cold, hard line. His ice blue gaze is bone chilling as he locked it pointedly on each of them in turn. His voice unyielding and sharp, like a blade cutting through the air. "If I hear one more word out of you about going after my servant, if one of you mention his name again, if any of you disobeys my order and leaves without my permission- the consequences will be dire and there will be the devil to pay for them. My order it is not to be questioned and these are my final word on this matter. Did I make myself clear?" He demanded, with a harsh, uncompromising, authorative cadence.

'' No wonder Merlin left you if you are such an ass.'' Gwaine snapped with outrage before any of the others had time to interfere.

The false veneer of Arthur's calm cracks, something fierce, primal and frightening darkens his face. His mouth pulled into a tight, angry line; his eyes are blazing with fury. Swift like a thought, he storms through the room and this time he doesn't hold back his strength when he delivers a brutal punch into Gwain's face.

He points his finger in Gwaine face, his blue eyes narrowed into furious slits. His voice is low, dark and threatening. '' "Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you right here on the spot.''

''I'm sure Merlin would be very proud of you now.'' Gwaine answers with a flippant air, his broken lips quirking up into a mocking smile and there is challenge in his eyes.

Arthur took a harsh step back as if somebody jolted him, his eyes widened and his shoulders slumped as the deep seated rage suddenly left his body. His voice sounded wary and tired when with a flick of his hand commanded.

'' Leave me. All of you.''

Percival grabbed Gwaine by the arm and pulled him along as they exited. Leon and Elyan bowed their heads, shooting Arthur one worried glance before they departed.

Later that night when Arthur laid in his bed, it wasn't his anger that kept him awake. It was the feeling of loss and longing, so strong and painful that he felt like it cut through his chest, causing a big, throbbing wound within him. The cut opened a black emptiness in his heart and he felt dead inside.

He was standing on the edge of a cliff, and he realised with shocking clearness that without Him he was going to fell over into the chasm of darkness.

The first light of the morning finds him in Gwaine's chamber.

''Take me to Merlin.'' He orders a stunned but grinning Gwaine.

 _How in the hell am I going to get him back?_


	5. Chapter 5

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **MERLIN'S POV** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Merlin felt his mouth twitch and all of a sudden he burst into laughter. It had been so long, he'd begun to wonder if he'd ever again feel the urge to laugh.

''It's good to hear you laugh like that .'' Margery told him smiling; her eyes sparkled with mischief while she recounted her neighbour's accident with the pigs in the morning.

Merlin smiled back at her. '' I know, I've not been the most enjoyable company in the past months but you've been a good friend to me, and I thank you for that.''

''You should smile more often; you've got a beautiful smile. You could make a woman loose her head with that smile.'' She told him with amusement and a slight blush on her expression.

Merlin could feel heat crawling at his cheeks too at the compliment. He didn't know what to say, but she must have sensed his embarrassment because with a cocky smile and mirth in her eyes, she teased.

''You could thank me enough in the evening at the celebration by taking me to dance.'' She sent him a wink and left.

Merlin wasn't feeling much like feasting, but he promised Margery to attend and dance with her at the St Valentine's Day celebration, that seemed to have the entire village in excitement in the last two weeks. And he could not refuse her.

She's been a good friend to him since he arrived 3 months ago. She was a nice, good woman. Despite the loss of her husband, who died in an accident two years ago, she regained and kept her good spirit and she sparked with life. She was always cheerful and lively and she was pretty too. With her long dark hair, big green eyes, long, thick lashes, delicately shaped features and curvaceous figure she looked exotic and she emulated a kind of sensuality, which Merlin was sure about - made her a lot of admirer in this and the surrounding villages. But for some reason she seemed to warm and taken a fancy to him.

She was an easy person to like. Kind, warm and firm and Merlin was sure in time, he could have grown to love her. Not the all-encompassing, soul –deep love he had for Arthur. He knew he would never again feel that kind of love and connection he felt to Arthur, which seemed to be a part of his every fibre and feeling. But maybe, he could love her with the solid, soft love of a long time partnership.

In time, Merlin told himself. Time supposed to be a great healer. Maybe in time he could fill the emptiness in his heart with love again. Arthur had been everything to him. He had been the most important thing in his life for so long that now, that he wasn't there anymore, he felt a vast emptiness inside him, as the most vital part of him was missing.

Time would cure the misery and would pry off Arthur's grasp of his heart. Time and healing would dull the sting.

For now, all he could do is- to try separating and clarify his heart from Arthur. Of course he would always be there for him in the time of danger and need; this is why he chose not to go far away from Camelot. Just a word from Gwaine and he will be there, apart from his feeling- they still have a destiny to fulfill.

Usually he didn't allow himself to think much of Arthur but for some reason, this time he couldn't help to go back to those dark, grief stricken days again.

He was surprised that after all this time, his feelings: the love, anger, disillusionment were still so intensely there.

He shouldn't blame him for what happened. Arthur was always a prat and it was his fault that he had unrealistic expectations toward him. He should have known how important Agravaine, as his last living relative was to Arthur. He should have realized that no matter how many times Gaius and he proved their unflagging loyalty to him; to Camelot- he would choose his Uncle's words over them.

And why wouldn't he? He has never seen him as his equal.

* * *

His mind replayed their last scene together ... _and why did Arthur's last words still hurt so badly?_

''Gaius's condemned himself. It's no more to be said.'' Arthur snapped cold and relentless.

And Merlin's world and everything inside him crashed with Arthur's parting worlds. Arthur's words drove the final nails into his already tormented heart. _How could he hurt him like that?_

Never had Merlin felt the gap in their status so harshly as he did in that moment.

He was no one. Nothing. Just a servant. Someone who was beneath them. Someone, whose words didn't count. After everything he has done for him, with him -he dismissed him and Gaius without a second thought.

 _How little I matter to him? How naïve I have been? I let myself deceived by the friendship I thought we had, I let myself deceived that I did matter to him a little to acknowledge my words._

As soon as Arthur walked out of the room- taking away with him the last crumbles of Merlin's faith and hopes, Merlin slumped and slid down against the pillar into a boneless heap. He pressed his hand on his chest because it felt like somebody was trampling on it. He couldn't breathe as the blade of his disillusionment about Arthur's betrayal cut through his chest, plummeting into his heart.

He really had been an idiot Arthur has always called him. He let himself believe that after everything they have been through together, after everything they've done for the other- Arthur has seen him as his friend.

It was his failure because he had put Arthur up on a pedestal and worshipped him like he was some kind of a demigod. He loved him too much and he had given him everything, he let him take him for granted, and never wanted anything in return. Why was he surprised when the only time he did, he refused to believe him, to believe in Gaius?

Cold anger flashed through him and a hot determination aroused from the ashes of his faith, trust and love. How could he treat them like that? After everything they done for him, he treated them as they were nothing.

He had enough. Enough of trying to prove his worth of Arthur's trust. He has never given him a reason not to trust him or doubt his loyalty, but every time something happened or somebody tried to play him off , Arthur has never stood up for him without having uncertainties in his heart.

After he found Gaius he would leave him. He deserved better.

He made up his mind.

* * *

When he made sure Gwaine found and rode away with Gaius, Merlin stood there for minutes then started to walk.

The sense of loss, the pain inside him with every step he took away from Camelot was excruciating. He had to stop because he felt as if a dagger was twisting inside him.

Though, he couldn't understand why. Arthur doesn't deserve his heartbreak. He should hate him for the way he treated his feelings. But he couldn't.

He knew he made the right decision but it didn't make his heartbreak any easier.

He took a deep breath, shot a last glance toward the flickering lights of Camelot and took a determined step forward. But he couldn't command the painful tightening in his chest from the swell of his emotions- with every step he passed.

 _God, why does it hurt so much?_

* * *

He went to Ealdor to visit his mother and stayed with her for a week.

He would lie if he said that he didn't expect Arthur to come for him.

He was relieved that he hadn't. Of course, he was. It was what he wanted, wasn't it?

But the sharp ache in his chest seemed to disagree. What had he expected? That Arthur would storm in there and beg for his forgiveness? He knew how proud, arrogant and haughty Arthur was and how impossible the thought that he would come for him, but still: the disappointment had been surprisingly acute.

He was nothing to him. Just a servant. Irrelevant. Easily replaceable.

So, when he was offered a position as a physician in this village he took the offer, because he was desperate for a place where he could start anew and would give him perspective. A place where Arthur couldn't find him.

Because even if he didn't believe it possible, but if there was a faint chance that Arthur ever came for him, he knew he was not strong enough to refuse him.

* * *

He was having a good time. For the first time in months, he really was enjoying himself. He was dancing with Margery and laughing with her when he felt it.

He knew he was there before he saw him.

His skin tingled, he felt an electric jolt ran through his spine, there was a flutter in his stomach and his chest filled with something pleasant and felt warm. Awareness leapt into every one of his nerve ending as it always did whenever he was near.

He slowly turned his head and he was gazing into the most ridiculously blue eyes of the King of Camelot.

When their eyes met something so strong and powerful passed between them it stopped everything around Merlin. For seconds it also stopped his breath and his heart. Their eyes held and Arthur was staring at him with impossibly wide blue eyes, filled with so much unguarded affection, tenderness and something akin to awe, that Merlin felt like he could sink in it.

All the longing and love he had for him hit him with the force of a thunder. His heart was beating rapidly, the uneven catching of his breath hammered in his ears.

Arthur's mouth shaped his name with a ragged whisper. Then his lips quirked up into a shy, insecure smile -the boyishly crooked one Merlin loved so much- the one Arthur had only for him-the one he had no defence against it.

Arthur's smile grew slowly until it was a huge, happy grin across his face and despite everything Merlin couldn't help but smile back. Arthur's sunny, blinding smile slammed into his chest and put the first crack in the ice around his heart. It had taken everything Merlin had, not to run to him and wrap his arms around his hard body and hold him tightly against him, savouring the warm of his body and breathe his addictive scent in.

Then Arthur snapped his eyes to Merlin's right with a scowl, his expression hardened, his mouth fell in a hard line. His eyes narrowed in frustration with a glint of hurt shining in when he flashed them back on Merlin's face. His face was a mask of anger and something else; something that Merlin has never seen in those eyes before. Arthur was looking at him with scrutiny, his lips tight and his brows drawn together, eyes locked onto Merlin's clear and hard now and... vulnerable, and Merlin suddenly felt confused like he was missing something. What the hell, I supposed to be be the angry and wronged one here!

In the next second Arthur was storming towards them, his eyes never leaving Merlin's face.

His mouth twitching from biting back an amazed smile, Merlin arched an eyebrow.

* * *

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ **ARTHUR'S POV** ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He didn't need to search for him. As soon as he got of his horse his eyes were drawn to him, they filtered him right away out from the crowd.

The first glimpse of Merlin nearly brought Arthur to his knees.

The memories that haunted him over the last months of their separation never did him justice. It was impossible to remember how beautiful and adorable Merlin was with his cherub face and endearing big ears. But it wasn't only his physical appearance what made him special for Arthur.

It was so much more than that!

Merlin was sweet, good, kind and big hearted to a fault. He had faith in people. He always acted with compassion and he genuinely believed in justice and equality. There was a pureness inside him what made him lit up from the inside. On many occasions Arthur really had the impression that Merlin was glowin with all the beauty and power he possesed inside.

God! He missed him! His gorgeous, amazing, wonderful, idiot manservant, whom Arthur's been madly and deeply in love with. How could he have been such a fool? How could he ever believe he could live without him? Just to see him again made him feel happier than he had been since this whole mess began.

Merlin's hair was a disaster and his cheeks were flushed from the dance. Arthur almost hated to see Merlin adapted so easily to a life without him, to see him laughing and being so careless- without him.

But then his eyes took in how different he looked.

He has always been slim and gawky but in the last years he'd put on weight and his body transformed into a more massive and muscular frame. He filled out his clothes, and he wasn't looking like an overgrown scarecrow anymore: as he used to in the first years at Arthur's service.

He'd lost so much weight, he looked achingly frail now. There were dark shadows under his eyes, and it put another brick upon the pile of guilt in Arthur's chest because he knew, he was the reason for that.

Arthur felt a sudden rush of love, affection and longing so intense it stole his breath.

It took every ounce of Arthur's self-control not to cross the distance between them and grab Merlin's tall, lean body, pull him into his arms and never let him go. He wants to hold him against him and relish in the warmness of his body. He wants to bury his nose in Merlin's soft, dark hair, smothering his senses with the scent of the forest, earth and herbs that always drenched his hair and skin, like he was born of them. There was so much he wanted to do to Merlin…!

He was never so glad of the strength of his own restraint because most of all- he wants to kiss him right now. Bloody hell, but he wants to kiss him so badly!

The punch of desire it's almost ordinary. It has been there practically from the first moment he'd clapped his eyes on Merlin at the market. When Merlin comforted him with his insolent smile- when Arthur felt shocked with confusion from the realisation that he couldn't decide if he wanted to hit or kiss the blue eyed cheeky bastard. Maybe he wanted to do both.

Arthur had got used to the awkward outbreaks of love he feels for Merlin and could handle them pretty efficiently... - But every train of his thought slams to a halt when Merlin laughs at the woman he is dancing with and they share a long, affectionate look.

The irrational stab of jealousy catches him off-guard. He feels a flash of anger so intense and absurd it stole his breath.

Merlin held the woman's gaze and something twisted in Arthur's chest. He knows he had no right to feel jealous, but the unpleasant spark of jealousy is still there. He doesn't know what Merlin does to make him feel like that. To make him want to steal and hide Merlin away.

It shouldn't mean anything! Merlin has always been friendly; with his easy smile and cheerful, bubbling personality he simply eased his way into people's heart without any effort.

Arthur closes his eyes, trying to swallow down his jealousy and keep at bay his fear which was pushing its way forward.

But still, he couldn't controll his skin that felt like ice, and a shiver ran down his spine.

What if Merlin decided he could live without him? What if he decided he doesn't want to do anything with him? Arthur had told him enough times that now that he was King he doesn't need him, that they can't be friends. What if he took Arthur's words to his heart?

Merlin could be stubborn like hell!

Once Merlin made a decision, it was decided, and no pursuing, no threats, pleading, no promises or danger could sway him.

And it worried him.

Hell, it terrified him!

What if Merlin took it in his mind he wasn't going to forgive him?

And the thought that tormented Arthur the most and twisted his insides into a trembling knot: What if he had hurt him more than he thought and killed every vestige of the love and affection Merlin had for him?

What would he do then? He was already half crazy from not seeing him for months. He can't lose him. He was everything to him. The last three months made him realise that he can't go on without him. He knew that without him he would never have a moment of happiness.

He felt like he was being torn in two different directions, with duty, marriage on one side and his heart and soul on the other.

He had to find a way to put them together.

Merlin and him belonged together. Arthur couldn't even contemplate living without Merlin anymore.

Merlin would forgive him. Merlin was sweet and kind, and his heart was as big as the sun. Even if he didn't share Arthur's feelings…-

Merlin turned his head and looked straight into Arthur's eyes, and every thought Arthur had vanished from his mind. Merlin's eyes are impossibly blue, impossibly wide, wary and unreadable.

Arthur's heart pounded hard in his chest, and he forgot how to breathe, his stomach was fluttering. Even now, confused as he was, just being able to finally look into those beautiful eyes made his insides light up in a way they hadn't done for many months.

Without realising he whispered Merlin's name on a ragged breath, and his lips quirked up into a beginning of a vague smile.

Merlin's gaze lights on him in response and the corners of his mouth twitch, almost as if he's about to smile. Arthur had felt a lot of things for Merlin over the years, but never like this. It felt impossible, but the connection between them was stronger than ever. Arthur was feeling such affection for Merlin it overwhelmed all of his senses; his heart was swelling with the love he felt for him. Even the crinkle at the corner of Merlin's eyes made his half dead body filled up with adoration and longing. Merlin's name broke through his lips again, and without realising Arthur's face lit up into a big, happy smile.

That earned Arthur a Merlin look. A smile stole onto Merlin's face, a bright, genuine, broad, wonderful, Merlin's sunbeams after a heavy rain of a smile, and Arthur's heart twanged at the warmth in it. It was spreading over him: soothing and nourishing his tormented heart. Arthur felt the first sprit of happiness blossoms in his chest, taking over the months of emptiness.

Merlin's wide-eyed look turned into a blinding grin, his eyes danced with delight and his face glows and he keeps beaming at Arthur, as brightly and warmly as the sun, and as always Arthur was helpless to resist the pull of it. All Arthur's ever wanted was for Merlin to look at him the way he was right now. He suddenly felt the air- he hadn't realised he was holding in for so long- rushing out of him, and an unexpected burst of hope filled his chest.

But it was quickly followed by a bite of disappointment when his eyes strayed down at Merlin's right and took in the possessive gesture of the woman's hands on his arm and shoulder. Arthur made a sound of frustration. A red blaze engulfed his head. His chest felt on fire. He'd never realized how deep his possessive streak ran until… well… until now. The raw power, the intensity; the sheer devastation of it surprised even him.

To hell with rational thoughts. To hell if he had no rights. To hell with duty. To hell with hell itself.

 _Merlin was his._

Fuelled by the deep-seated anger he was feeling, his eyes holding Merlin's, promising hell and damnation, his legs were storming forward before his mind could stop them.

He pulled on the brake before Merlin, greeting him with a quick nod.

''Merlin.'' Arthur said stiffly and shortly.

''Arthur.'' Merlin replied in a kind, amazement coming of him, he raised one eyebrow regarding Arthur questioningly.


	6. Chapter 6

''What are you doing here?'' Arthur snapped, his tone sharper than Merlin was used to even when he was in a foul mood, and he was glaring at Merlin with an expression somehow bordering on hurt and fierce.

Merlin met Arthur's anger full on, returning his fierce glare, they stared at each other for what felt like hours. Guileless blue eyes peered into his with far too much feelings and the storm of emotions brewing inside Merlin, cracking the last remains of the shield around his heart, told him that he was most certainly not as over Arthur Pendragon as he wanted to be.

He broke eye contact when he felt overwhelmed by the intensity of Arthur's gaze.

''Fancy to see you too. What are **_you_** doing here?'' Merlin tried to sound angry, which he was, he was very angry. It was just remarkable how difficult it was to be properly angry when Arthur looked at him like that: with so much vulnerability in his eyes Merlin knew he very seldom allowed himself to be.

Arthur made an indignant squawk and crossed his arms over his chest. ''Don't be ridiculous, Merlin.'' Then he shuffled his feet, and it was such a un-Arthurly thing to do, that Merlin chewed on his lip very hard not to smile.

''Well... You've been gone for quite some time now...- Arthur averted his eyes to the ground, then looked to the side, apparently becoming very interested in the surronding forrests. He cleared his throat, scrambled some more with his feet and... what!... was he really blushing?!

Merlin was really-really staring now completely dumpfounded, like someone hit him in the head with a heavy object. Arthur didn't get nervous or embarassed. Even if he did, he never shows it. Just when Merlin started to melt into a puddle from the warm feelings spreading all over in his chest for his idiot of a King... Arthur straightened himself and raising his head, he fixed Merlin with a stern look, and...unfortunatelly opened his mouth again.

'' It's time for you to come back!'' He snapped in his commandig voice that broke no argument. And if Merlin didn't know the face before him even better than his own, he might have missed the uncertainty flashing through on it.

Arthur's prattish behaviour amused and annoyed Merlin in equal measures. His eyebrows went up, he lifted his chin up stubbornly and gave Arthur a dubious expression.

'' What makes you think I want to go back?''

Arthur flinched then narrowed his eyes, his face flashing with anger, he grabbed Merlin by his arm. He was gazing at him with burning intensity in his brilliant blue eyes, and something else. Something that if Merlin didn't know better he would think it was fear.

'' What are you speaking about?'' Arthur asked, stomping one foot nervously, and Merlin does not find it cute. No, he doesn't. Well, maybe a little bit. Or, a lot.

Yeah, he's in trouble.

Seeing the shocked hurt in Arthur eyes- that Merlin was sure he'd never saw in them before, at least not reflected towards him – threatened to shatter Merlin's hardly constructed resolve and it had taken every ounce of his will not to reach to Arthur and try to soothe away the hurt he could see in the other man's face. The same way he has done so many times in the past when Arthur was at his lowest emotionally.  
Born from habit, longing rose up sharply in his chest to make Arthur feel better...but he clenched his fists against his sides to prevent himself from doing just so. He, of all people, doesn't deserve his sympathy. Most definietly not.

It was then that Merlin became aware of the sudden quiet, of the curious gazes and hushed, shocked whispers of the surrounding villagers.

Turning his head he glanced at Margery, standing on his right.

Merlin swallowed, a shame crawled up his back because he realised guiltily that since his eyes landed on Arthur, he has simply forgotten about her existence.

She was looking down at where Arthur's hands clasped Merlin's arm, then her eyes widening with incredulity she looked up and she was gaping back and forth between the two of them like she honestly couldn't understand the world anymore.

''Arthur," hisses Merlin, eyeing the very interested crowd.

" Don't be an idiot Merlin. Of course you are coming back to Camelot with me.'' Arthur demands with a frow, shaking Merlin a bit when he finally pulled himself together after Merlin's pronouncement .

''Arthur'' Merlin says again louder.

''Why are you being so difficult about this?" Arthur continued, completely oblivious to the fact that they'd become the center of attention of the villagers around them. Arthur 's grip tightened on his arm and without realizing it he drew Merlin closer to him.

'' _Arthur_ … _SIRE_!'' Merlin snapped, giving Arthur a measured look.

Arthur scowled. '' What?!''

''You are making a scene." Rolling his eyes Merlin said in an exasperated tone, looking around them pointedly.

Eyes darting around, Arthur seemed to grasp it for the first time that people were staring at him with awed expectation. Something twisted in Arthur's face and he hastily let go of Merlin's arm. He took some careful steps back.

Merlin observed as his body went through a metamorphosis. As it was made with magic, his posture, his air changed. He schooled his features back to his politician's face of the noble indifference he wore for everybody else except Merlin and straightened himself into kingly dignity.

An instant later as if to make up for his retreat, Arthur took a step towards Merlin before something flashed across his face, he halted his movements and his eyes landed on Margery. He looked wrong-footed again, and deeply uncomfortable. His jaw twitched some before he swallowed and glanced at Merlin questioningly. He opened his mouth but before he could say a word Merlin swooped in, quirking a smile at Margery as something of a conciliatory gesture.

'' Margery this is Arthur….. King Arthur.''

''Arthur'' then Merlin contributed, adding a cheeky, ''Sire. This is my friend, Margery.''

'' Your _friend_?! '' Arthur asked, raising an imperious eyebrow, offering Margery his hand with a forced smile. ''Pleased to meet you, my Lady.''

Margery though went white as a sheet, before dropping into a deep curtsey.

''Your Highness,'' she looked rattled, clearly thrown out of her comfort zone.

" If you don't mind, I'd like to have a word with my manservant," Arthur said, strictly and formal.

''Your Higness?!'' she croaked, grabbing for words. Her eyes flew to Merlin, but Merlin only shook his shoulders and grinned widely at her. Then Arthur's words sunk in and Merlin made a noise that was pure irritation, he pointed his forefinger at Arthur.

'' You mean your **_EX_** -manservant.'' He snorted.

Narrowing his eyes, Arthur jutted out his chin and crossed his arms over his chest.. "I beg to differ," he retorted with a sudden arrogant air about him. '' I can't remember dismissing you from my service.''

Merlin's eyebrows practically flew to the top of his head; he lets out a breath that was half a snort and half a groan.

"I'm a free person Arthur and if you aren't aware of its meaning, let me explain it to you.'' Mirroring Arthur's pose he also crossed his arms and glared at Arthur while he said slowly in a lecturing tone like he was speaking to a particularly deliberate child. '' It means- I choose who I offer my service to and it also means that I can leave whenever I choose to."

Jaw still dropped, Margarey's eyes were moving from Merlin to Arthur and back again.

Arthur looked at Merlin, his face a mixture of outrage, disbelief and hurt.'' You left without a word, without as much as a goodbye.'' He burst out, then stopped, cleared his throat but before he could continue…..

With a loud and cheerful, ''Merlin!'' and a wide, happy grin Gwaine threw himself at Merlin, yanking him into a bone crushing hug. After squeezing the hell out of Merlin he leaned back and said with fondness. ''It's good to see you, you slippery bastard.''

'' Good to see you too.'' Merlin beamed happily back at him.

Gwaine leaned in conspirationally "He was an unbearable prat for the whole time since you left him," he whispered into Merlin ears, clasping Merlin's back.'' A real, royal pain in the ass. Please for all our sakes and for the sake of the Princess's mind, you'll come back with us!'' He emphasized it with a suffering groan.

Then he released Merlin from his arms, his eyes flew to Arthur who was fixing him with a fierce glare.

And because Gwaine was Gwaine- a reckless idiot- eyes shining with mischief, letting his hand slide possessively over Merlin's back, his gaze roamed over Merlin's form appreciatively, he flipped back his hair and gave Merlin a roguish grin.

"That's quite sufficient for a welcome Gwaine," Arthur snapped, looking at Gwaine's hand like it's personally offended him

Turning around, holding his hands up in a placatory gesture, Gwaine grinned wider in response at Arthur's glare.

Percival greeted Merlin with a nod and a wide grin and for a second he clapped Merlin on his shoulder which Merlin reciprocated with a warm smile of his own.

His eyes flicking to Margery, Gwaine slowly mustered her over, then he fired up his gaze, puffed out his chest and with every drop of his testosterone he launched himself into hunting mood. '' Merlin! Would you do me the honour to introduce this lovely young Lady to us? Gwaine asked, offering Margery a glowing smile.

Merlin rolled his eyes with a goofy grin before he made the introductions.

"Would you excuse us because I really need to speak to... _my manservant_.'' Arthur said drawling out the last two words.

Snorting in amusement, Gwaine muttered with a cheeky smile. '' I bet you do.''

Percival elbowed him in his side. "You're not helping," he grated.

Sending Gwaine a warning look, Arthur grabs Merlin again by his arm and he pulls him away from the crowd, barking out over his shoulder.

'' Go get yourself a place to stay for the night, I'm sure there is a tavern in this village where you can find lodge.''

Leon and Gwaine stared at Arthur's and Merlin's receding back -who was pulled onward by Arthur and turned his head to send a small, apologetic smile to Margery over his shoulder- for a long moment before looking at each other with raised eyebrows then their faces broke into a knowing smile.

In less than ten seconds they were overwhelmed with the good people proudly offering their homes for the knights of Camelot.

* * *

Yanking his arm out of Arthur's grip, Merlin stopped dead on their track as a horrible suspicion blooms in his mind and he looks at Arthur with narrowed eyes.

'' What did you mean, get _yourself_ a place?

Arthur rolls his eyes and scowls. ''Oh please Merlin, even you can't be that stupid. Obviously they need a place to sleep over the night?

Starring at Arthur with suspicion, Merlin asks, '' Where are **_you_** going to sleep?''

''Of course I'll stay with you.'' Arthur says without missing a beat, his eyebrows snapped together, he gives Merlin his- _how could you be such an idiot-_ glare.

Merlin blinks, baffled, ''You are staying,'' he repeats slowly, ''with me.''

Arthur pauses, suddenly arrested, and glances at Merlin '' You do have a home, don't you?''

Merlin deadpans. '' What?'' And he strongly considers banging his head against the nearest tree but he figures it won't do much good to his obviously already blanked out brains.

Arthur frowned at Merlin with an odd look on his face, '' You must have stayed somewhere during these months…'' Arthur said slowly in an exasperated tone.

Merlin's eyes widen and he jerks back a bit.'' What? No! Wait! he chokes.

Arthur tilted his head and eyed Merlin with a deepening frown before narrowing his eyes again. "I'm really starting to believe you actually do have a mental affliction."

Merlin's mouth dropped before he snapped it shut and ran his hands through his hair. This can't be happening, Merlin thought a little hysterically.

'' I do have a house, and it's _**my**_ house.''

''So? What's the problem?'' Arthur asks, his tone implying he thought Merlin was an idiot, then makes a motion with his hands that indicates 'problem solved' and starts walk again. Merlin really have to remind himself for all the reasons why he can't punch Arthur right now.  
With an impressive display of restraint he catches on with Arthur's determined steps and he stops him by grabbing his arm.

'' You can't stay with me!''

Arthur glares. "What do you mean can't ? Why the hell not?" Then he spun around, his eyes hardened, his body went taut as a bowstring, his expression caught between agony and anger. With both hands he grabbed Merlin by his shoulders. "Do you live with somebody?! " he demanded sharply, his voice tight, dangerously contained.

"What?" Merlin gaped again. He was so surprised he's even forgotten to be angry "Of course not!"

Arthur let out a long, deep breath at that, apparently he hasn't realised he was holding in.

"Merlin!" Arthur breathed, his voice a bit shaky, hands clenched more tightly on Merlin's shoulder, he leaned so close their bodies were touching. His face softened, his whole body lit up, his eyes were wide and glittering when he gazed at Merlin like he was everything what was beautiful in the world.

Merlin looks at Arthur, taking in the way his sensuous lips are slightly open and the way his blue so blue eyes are blazing in their focus on Merlin's face. His eyes are wide and crystalline, glinting almost eerily bright in the dim light.

Merlin's heart caught in his chest.

 _Oh, damn him! Why is he so breathtakingly beautiful?_

Merlin's physical reaction to Arthur was just as strong as it had been before. His nerve endings didn't know they shouldn't flare from Arthur's closeness. His skin didn't know it shouldn't prickle from Arthur's touch on his shoulders. His cheeks didn't know they shouldn't flush from the way Arthur was looking at him. His body didn't know it shouldn't get on fire by having that tall, strong body so close to his own. The memory of his fingers sliding over that hot skin, the feel of those hard muscles under his fingertips every time he helped him dress or undress makes his stomach fluttering worryingly .

His senses were drowning in Arthur, in his scent and the heat radiating from his body against his own. Desire rose inside him like a maelstorm, threatening to drag him with it. His heart rate accelerated, his knees went wobbly, and despite the brisk night air his face was flushed with warmth. With the last vestiges of his willpower Merlin pushed a slightly dazed looking Arthur away before the urge-the need- to make something irreversibly stupid, like kiss him-took over.

The proximity of Arthur's body gone, Merlin's breath evened out, he was able to breath again.

( _Dazed looking Arthur?! What the hell?_ For seconds Merlin runmanages through his head for any love spells he might know and considers the possibility that maybe by accident he might have casted it on Arthur. Somehow? Sometime? Because it's alright, he's accepted a long time ago that he is head over heels in love with Arthur but he is not used to besotted looks being directed at him by _Arthur_. )

Like waking up from a trance Arthur shook his head and he released Merlin's shoulders, stepping back a few steps to give Merlin space. ( _Not love spells then._ Merlin thinks relieved and more confused ). Arthur looked guilty and emberassed for a moment before his mouth quirked up into a lopsided, private smile, so Arthur-like that Merlin's heart squeezed painfully in his chest at the simple joy of it.

'' So what's your reason then why I can't stay with you?'' Arthur asks.

''I have only one bed.''

Arthur huffed and glared at Merlin in surprise. "I can't see the problem in that" he said with a teasing glint in his eye that Merlin recognised very well. '' You could sleep on a bedroll.'' He declared, clapping Merlin on the shoulder, his mouth twitching from fighting back the smirk that wants to escape at the look on Merlin's face.

Merlin's eyes narrowed dangerously before he lets out an indignant squawk.

'' It's **_my_** bed Arthur. I most definitely won't sleep on a bedroll.''

Arthur raised an eyebrow, ''I'm the KING Merlin; you can't expect me to sleep on the floor,'' Arthur said dryly as the spoiled, arrogant prat he can be. ''You should feel honoured to have the opportunity to offer your bed for your King.''

''You sleep on a bedroll all the time if you are away on a quest or on your stupid hunting trips!'' Merlin shouts in outrage, throwing his hands up in frustration and he seriously starts to reconsiders his restrain about not punching.

''Now why Merlin?'' Arthur furrows his brow sending Merlin a withering glance. '' There isn't a bed. Is there?''

Merlin snorted and glowered at Arthur. '' You sleep on the bedroll or you are not staying.'' He said while he crossed his arm with determination. ''Or you could just as easily stay in a tavern or I'm sure there are plenty of people who would feel honoured to have the opportunity to offer their bed for their King.'' Merlin pointed out with a sickly sweet smile.

Arthur rolled his eyes with an exasperated sigh. "I know you're an idiot, but surely even you can figure out that I won't be able to talk to you if you are staying in one building and I in other."

Merlin doesn't deign to answer this jibe, he just cocks an eyebrow and keeps watching Arthur challengingly.

Arthur threw his head back and laughed. A deep, rare, rumbling , genuine, Arthur's laugh what always made Merlin want to lean closer, press his mouth to Arthur's and suck his laughter in, to feel the rumble of his laugh against his skin.

'' Oh, Merlin! How I missed you!'' Arthur chuckles with pure amazement on his face, his eyes are sparkling with glee. '' I wonder, how could I've ever survived a day without your devoted, humble, self-sacrificing service? Then he seems to contemplate for long seconds and takes a look at Merlin's face, whose expression is a cross between seriousness and annoyance.

'' Bedroll, that is then.'' Arthur decides with a cheeky grin. Then he pulls on these lost, little baby-blue puppy eyes and... All right, Merlin is sooo doomed! His inner reserve of ire - deep as it was - is running dry. Damn him and his blinding eyes.

Arthur opens his mouth, but Merlin holds up a hand to cut him off before he even gets started.

"Oooh, just shut up!" he growls.

" I know it has never actually got through your stick, insubordinate, insolent skull but _I'm_ '', ponting his forefinger towards his own chest, ''still the King of Camelot, Merlin!" Arthur quirked one eyebrow "You can't tell me what to do!"

''Watch me then!'' Merlin glowered fiercely at Arthur for a long moment, and then gave a resigned sigh.

He jerked his head forward "To my cottage...?" he suggested glumily.

Arthur beams, victorious. ''Admit it! You've missed me as well." And laughs again when Merlin glares with a pinched expression. .

'' I already know, I'm going to regret this.'' Merlin grits out through his teeth, he runs his fingers through his hair, and glares again when Arthur grins wider at Merlin's scowl.

Arthur rolls his eyes. "You're very difficult. I don't know why I put up with you.'' But the cheeky quirk of his mouth is fond and far too familiar.

''Because you are a pompous, dollopheaded prat!'' Merlin seethes.

But Arthur just beams at him, like Merlin just told him he's the most brilliant thing. And then he just stops and looks at Merlin with that strange look again... like… like Merlin is something precious.

And Merlin's heart starts to beat wildly again and his breath is caught in his chest and it feels tight from the pure stab of affection he feels for this certifiably arrogant, unbearable but also tragically gorgeous, sizzling hot prat- Who- Yes, Oh...Well.. Bloody Alright!- Just so happens to be the love of his life.


	7. Chapter 7

_Alright. A lot of you asked me here and on other forums for a pleading Arthur. So I made him plead a bit. Hope you are satisfied now and you'll like it._

* * *

Once they were inside Merlin's small but cosy cottage, crossing his arms over his chest, Merlin stood before him. Tilting his head, he was studying Arthur carefully for a moment before his brow furrowed. '' What is it you want, Arthur?''

 _ **You!**_ Arthur thought. But obliviously he couldn't say it, not wanting to scare Merlin off.

But bloody hell, he was nervous. More nervous than he could ever recall being in his life. His throat suddenly felt tight. Actually everything felt too tight. And despite the chill in the room, he could feel that his skin was slick with sweat. He took a deep breath.

''Uhhmmmm.'' Arthur started very firmly and intelligibly.

''That's a good direction Arthur.'' Merlin's eyes were twinkling now, delighting in Arthur's speechlessness.

'' I came to tell you that … '' Arthur started again, feeling awkward, shifting his weight from one leg to the other.

''Come on Arthur. You can do better than that.'' Merlin teased. _And why did it sound so suspiciously familiar?_

'' You won't make it easy on me, won't you? '' Arthur asked with an irritated growl.

'' No-pe.''

'' Alright. I think I deserve it.'' Arthur nodded, scrubbing a hand over his face, he turned his gaze to the ground again. He ran his hands through his hair in frustration, and then he lifted his chin stubbornly and locked his eyes on Merlin's face.

The world had shrunk down to just him and Merlin, and all his love for this man before him blooms in his chest, and he feels like he can't do anything to stop it from pouring out of him in every word, and every look.

'' I came to tell you that I am sorry for the way I treated you, Merlin. You were right to leave me. I took you for granted, and I'm sorry for that too. I'm sorry if I've caused you to think that you didn't matter to me. You did..You do… matter to me Merlin …'' Arthur swallowed hard…'' a lot.''

Arthur's eyes are insistent on Merlin face and he's looking at Merlin like he might disappear into thin air.

Merlin gasped and he was looking at Arthur with wide, wondering eyes. His face was all intense and serious and tender, and it made Arthur's heart beat wildly. His stomach swoops and flips dangerously.

Then an odd expression crossed Merlin's face, there and gone, before Arthur could decipher it.

Suddenly all the tenderness disappeared from his eyes and Arthur could actually observe as his face shut down.

Arthur blinked, absolutely taken aback, and then his heart sinks into his boots. For the first time since he has known him, Merlin was staring at him with a blank look in his eyes and with cold indifference on his face. It chilled every bone in his body. He didn't really understand the sudden change on Merlin's face, his sudden... well, whatever… But it made him realise that maybe Merlin wasn't going to be as ready to forgive him as he'd thought.

His chest tightened painfully.

Merlin always looked at him as he was some kind of hero, like he could hang the moon. He always had faith in him and his look was always overflowing with inexplicable devotion. But the clear blue eyes were watching him now with not a hint of starriness in them. Merlin stared at him without feelings and seemingly uninterested.

Arthur's heart sped to a frantic race. It couldn't be possible. It was Merlin- His Merlin- he couldn't be too late.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed in frustration before continued.

'' There is something I want to tell you, but I..I don't know if I can.'' Arthur knows he is rambling in a way that's completely unlike himself because this is what Merlin did to him. It's his bloody fault. He turned him into this stuttering mess. '' I know….I know I failed you…our friendship...Everything… I got it all wrong…I took you and your friendship for granted, thinking it would always be there. Only when you left and I realised that it wouldn't had I seen the truth that how much it means to me… how important you are to me.''

He had never felt so out of his depth. He was adept with problems which could be solved with a sword or with reason. If necessary, he could negotiate and charm and bargain, but emotions… He feels small and raw and exposed and shaken and vulnerable and frustrated, all of the things that he hates feeling. He is miserable and he just wants Merlin. He desperately needs Merlin to make him feel safe and whole again.

His next words were spilling out of him in a shuddering gasps with all the sincerity in his heart.

'' I need you, Merlin. I never realised how much before… But I need you… I can't go on without you by my side.''

Merlin's eyes widened but there was no other reaction, nothing... just silence. Then his face transforms into something soft and wonderful. His eyes are still wary and slightly tinged with confusion but they are shining with fondness as he keeps them assessing on Arthur's face.

Arthur took heart from that, his resolve strengthened. He sagged, closed his eyes as all breath seemed to leave him. He swallowed nervously, cleared his throat and whispered brokenly.

" Please Merlin! ''

The quiet urgency and the soft plea of his tone surprised even himself. _He was pleading with Merlin, which was ridiculous, he doesn't plead!_ But after the grief of losing Merlin he could no longer hide his feelings, could no longer continue to deny what Merlin meant to him. If pleading is what it takes to get Merlin back to him... he would plead.

He had spent his entire life doing his duty to Camelot, never truly following his heart. From childhood Arthur had been trained to be stoic, impersonal, to be self-denying for the good of Camelot. Kings never show their true feelings, it's a sign of weakness. Kings don't get emotionally attached. Kings rule alone. - and it had cost him to loose Merlin.

But he could achieve greatness and raise his Kingdom to dizzying heights... he knows now... that none of it would mean a damn thing to him without Merlin by his side.

His nerves were jumping, and he had to clasp his hands together behind his back to hide their trembling.

'' Please Merlin. Come back with me to Camelot.''


End file.
